By Ester Nicholson

“I hung around Cocaine Anonymous (CA) and AA meetings for two years before I was even able to string ninety consecutive days together. As I look back now, I didn’t actually want to heal at a deep core level. I just wanted to stop doing drugs so I could get my man back, and keep a job for longer than a month-maybe even get my daughter back. So, I hung around the meetings, flirting and looking for approval with my dingy red dress on and a mouth full of cavities. I had barely looked at the 12 Steps hanging on the wall, let alone tried to practice them.

But over time, I came into contact with people at CA and AA whose lives seemed to be working. They had a sense of personal security and power. And I wanted that for myself. I wanted to have a life that I could be proud of, a home for my child and a mate who respected me. Sometimes, we need a reason to get serious about our healing. My reason started with wanting simple things. That was enough to begin stringing a few days together, then a week, a month and more.

I was entirely unprepared when one evening after being clean for almost ninety days-going to work on time and paying some bills-that “thing” happened again. My mouth started watering, my gut was in knots like I had just taken a laxative (symptom of a drug addict in the midst of a craving), and my heart was palpitating. I was ravenous for just one more hit-one last party. My inner voice said, “Don’t do it, Sweetie, you’re doing so well-please don’t do it.” I knew that once I started-once the monster was out of the cage- no matter how badly I wanted to stop, the binge would not be over until it was done having its way with me. Maybe this time, it would finish me off once and for all.

Even as I tried talking myself out of it, I was already out the door. I didn’t even take time to put on a pair of shoes, I noticed as I was hailing a taxi. The hunger hit me so suddenly, and took me over so completely, it was if I had become possessed- blinded utterly by the insatiable need for a hit of cocaine. I knew that where I ended up was entirely out of my control.

“The alcoholic/addict will absolutely be unable to stop with the unaided will.” -Bill Wilson

Stay tuned for part 2 of this article…..

– Ester Nicholson, renowned vocalist for Bette Midler and Rod Stewart, former addict, teacher, speaker and author uses her own astonishing story as the core of her powerful book: Soul Recovery – 12 Keys to Healing Addiction….and 12 Steps for the Rest of Us-A Path to Wholeness, Serenity and Success (Hay House/Agape Media). Soul Recovery, the process that Nicholson developed to heal herself of cocaine addiction – unifying the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with a spiritual pathway-filled with metaphysical principles and practices – has guided thousands to their recovery and highest potential. The book includes a forward by Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith. For more information, go to: www.soulrecovery.org

– This is an excerpt from Ms. Nicholson’s book, Soul Recovery –12 Keys to Healing Addition.